Talaash...

Na khwaaboin ki
Na hakikat ki

Na pyaar ki
Na uske na hone ke ehsaas ki

Na saath ki
Na tanhaaiyon ki

Na unke saath
Na unke bina

Na chaand ki
Na is zameen ki

Na us nile gagan ki
Na andhere baadalon ki

Intezaar mera inke pare hain
Talaash mujhe kisi aur ki.

I was on my way from Delhi to Kolkata.A long and lonely train journey.

With just a copy of India Today for company, I knew I was in for a seriously boring journey.I looked at the passengers around me.They looked even more boring than that article in the magazine about why some Pratibha Patil should not be our next president.If I was asked for my opinion I'd say we need no president but sadly enough my opinion never counts....
There was another interesting article (uhmm...I'm not exactly sure of this adjective here) about Mayawati.They called her 'poor little rich girl'....This set me giggling.
But this post is not about India Today articles.

It was a rainy afternoon and I wasnt feeling particularly good inside.My Delhi trip hadn't really worked out the way I wanted it to.Well, not that I was expecting it to but was hoping nevertheless.But as usual there were no miracles waiting to happen for me.And I had pretty much figured out what exactly awaited me back home in Kolkata.I won't get into the details now.Maybe later.....Or may be never.

I'm not sure if this is how everyone feels when dejection sets in but I was feeling particularly very lonely and uncanningly scared.I wanted to call someone close and just let all the heaviness chained inside me out.But I didn't.Not because I was spoilt with options but because I din't want a "common...it'll be fine" or "hey...you'll do great anywhere".....for a reply.Infact I didn't want a reply at all.
I needed no assurances.The numbness somehow seemed familiar.I drew the curtains, cutting myself off from this world.Or atleast pretending to....

Lots of questions were looming in my mind which remain unanswered even today.Some doubts which will never be settled.Some choices which will always remind me of my poor discretion.Some people who I cared about unnecessarily....who mattered.
When faith leads you to a misinterpreted belief...things are bound to crumble.And tightening your fist only worsens the situation.The validity of which reflected in my case.

Agreed I can start anew and assumingly I will....
Though I wonder if the 'twenty-something' me will smile at the 'me' today.Or will she.....

I'll let the moments, days, months, years pass......till then...

Rajdhani sped past the green fields.I closed my eyes.Sleeping was the only acceptable option.