I was on my way from Delhi to Kolkata.A long and lonely train journey.
With just a copy of India Today for company, I knew I was in for a seriously boring journey.I looked at the passengers around me.They looked even more boring than that article in the magazine about why some Pratibha Patil should not be our next president.If I was asked for my opinion I'd say we need no president but sadly enough my opinion never counts....
There was another interesting article (uhmm...I'm not exactly sure of this adjective here) about Mayawati.They called her 'poor little rich girl'....This set me giggling.
But this post is not about India Today articles.
It was a rainy afternoon and I wasnt feeling particularly good inside.My Delhi trip hadn't really worked out the way I wanted it to.Well, not that I was expecting it to but was hoping nevertheless.But as usual there were no miracles waiting to happen for me.And I had pretty much figured out what exactly awaited me back home in Kolkata.I won't get into the details now.Maybe later.....Or may be never.
I'm not sure if this is how everyone feels when dejection sets in but I was feeling particularly very lonely and uncanningly scared.I wanted to call someone close and just let all the heaviness chained inside me out.But I didn't.Not because I was spoilt with options but because I din't want a "common...it'll be fine" or "hey...you'll do great anywhere".....for a reply.Infact I didn't want a reply at all.
I needed no assurances.The numbness somehow seemed familiar.I drew the curtains, cutting myself off from this world.Or atleast pretending to....
Lots of questions were looming in my mind which remain unanswered even today.Some doubts which will never be settled.Some choices which will always remind me of my poor discretion.Some people who I cared about unnecessarily....who mattered.
When faith leads you to a misinterpreted belief...things are bound to crumble.And tightening your fist only worsens the situation.The validity of which reflected in my case.
Agreed I can start anew and assumingly I will....
Though I wonder if the 'twenty-something' me will smile at the 'me' today.Or will she.....
I'll let the moments, days, months, years pass......till then...
Rajdhani sped past the green fields.I closed my eyes.Sleeping was the only acceptable option.
3 comments:
oye pammy....
your blog just scared me yaar...
kya ho gaya??
guess its time we met...
AND
Dont grow up so fast baby!
take your time...
RD
hmmmm
as RD SaiD...U r grown up. :)
first of all.......lemme tell u dat.....dat read dis........only by keeping dis r things dat picks is nt speaking{coz i think dat u wd tak it otherwise if u consider dat}..........so listen..................i read ur whole blog{nearly}..............mujhe gyaan nahi dema..........par u kno wat............utering da wrds like"dissatisfied" & "imperfect"..................only dissatisfied us!pata hai kabhi kabhi hum khud nahi samajh paate ki how precious v actually r?its nt a prob vth u............haalaat humme ye interprete karne par majboor karti hai.......mere saath bhi hua hai............dere was a time.........jab i loved ma happy-go-lucky nature..........as it made ppl like me_love me......fir ek din a very close frend of mine made me realize........dat dis nature of mine helped ppl but it wasnt actuaalyy 'lucky' 4 ma parents{dey r da most precious ones} nd me...............i started hating da attitude after realizing dat............par maine dekha............ki i cant realy leave dis attitude.......inspite of da fact dat i was 'dissatisfied' vth it................bt da bst thing i did was keeping nda attitude alive..........and trying to make it wrk 4 me nd ma precious ppl!...................agar hum yeh sochne baithe naki wat r da things dat v r dissatisfied vth den i bet dere r 1000s of dem......bt if v count on da good things demn i assure u dat dere r 1000s of dem too......aur agar utne na bhi ho....i bet counting on dem can compensate 4 all da things v r dissatisfied vth!...............apne aap ko pehchano yaar.................i dont kno u much ....mujhe pata hai.......par i dnt kno y......i think dat u rnt dat complicated{thou u appear a lot like dat}....................rahi baat un genius logo ki jo kehte hai ki a "love" in ur life vl do da trick......jst tell dem to shut up!sab bakwaas hai!.................................dnt try finding defects in things around u..............DA WORLD IS IMPERFECT...jst accept it................bt remember dat u & i r da part of dis world too.................jst kick dat reason off & start enjoying ur life.........................................................................................dekho maine gyaan nahi diya....jst gave u some wrds to think upon{my way}....or some wrds to b dissatisfied vth{ur way}...................follow my way dis time 4 jst little time..............uske baad go ur way{try to}..............take care.....and kno ur worth.............and yanext aapke DANCING k baare mein baat karenge!
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