The wait finally ends.

The obscurity fades...

And thus emerges the dawn-

The one most venerated

Loved and desired.

What stays back is the past.

With the resonating feel,

That lingering touch

And that gentle caress.

Dead but resounding.

Barren but fulfilling.

Lost but not detached...

[Dedicated to the year that was...]

By a busy road...

If you stood by a busy road with hands dug deep into your pockets, you would see the world whiz past you. Fast. Very fast.

The motion might even seem intimidating for its comprehension may not seem plausible. You might want to see how it feels like to be on the other side of the road but the relocation again will be a much hindered one, if at all. Undertaking the risk might also not seem to be a very receptive option. And you stay back. Just where you were. Looking at the world whiz past you. Fast. Very fast.

If you tried reasoning out as to why you can’t help but wait for the world to slow down, you would find yourself in an uncertain state mostly with no answers. And if you managed to seek the answers somehow, they wouldn’t be definite.

You’ll be told- “that’s how things are…that’s how they always have been…”

And ironically you have the freedom to choose to either accept this established proposition or reject it. More often than not established propositions are further strengthened by our meek acceptance for defiance though attractive is not a very easy-treaded path.

If you stood by a busy road you would also want to know where everything is headed to and why this urgency to reach there as soon as possible. And if you on the contrary do not know where you are headed it might bother you. The botheration might consume you day after day, month after month, year after year till it makes you hollow. A scary state of affairs.

But if you stood by a busy road you would also notice that this is not where you were destined to be. You are just on your way to get to some place. Anywhere. And this is not your settled position. This is not what you have been waiting for, where you’ve wanted to be. You’re still on your way. The journey is not yet over and maybe the time has not yet come…

I-err-Love-err-You...

Every girl practically dreams of this day. She hopes. She waits. She wishes.

So what is it like when "the guy" finally takes your hands in his, looks into your eyes, draws you closer and says...

I never knew this would happen to me. And this fast. Sometimes you are so surprised you don't know how to react and sometimes you are just so beyond surprised you simply don't react. I'm not sure if I should use the word 'embarrassed' but that's just how I felt. I could feel my cheeks going beyond a blushed-pink. I'm sure they must be red. An embarrassed red. And my eyes must have surely betrayed me. I'm not sure...

Well the toughest part is to withdraw your hands (the ones he's clutching tightly). Actually no, the toughest part is to look away. Something, I was pining to do and which I eventually managed to.

The guy had chosen just the right time. There were fireworks, some soft music behind (which I just can't seem to recall), the beautifully illuminated college campus and a crowd which didn't care who was in love with whom. They preferred to leave us alone. Not a much desired state if you ask me. I'd never felt more uncomfortable than this. Well...finally the official proposal was over. The guy was done with his going-down-on-my-knees-for you. Thankfully.

And who so ever thought getting proposed by someone is a dream come true let me tell you darlings, there's more than that. Trust me.

You actually have to give the poor chap an answer. That is a 'yes' or a 'no'. And that's the worst part of it. Lame and cliché excuses like I-err-need-err-some-err-time won't do. And the look 'this guy' had on his face, I'm sure he would have either killed himself or me if I dared say anything like that.

So how I actually wriggled out of the mess is a story in itself but what's worrying me is I someday have to come up with an answer. And that'll hurt. I don't know what lies ahead.

But hey getting proposed ain`t that bad. And the best part was,

"Take your time...think over it..."

And after I had just managed to blink and steal in some air,

"So...tell me fast what have you decided..."

Pehchaan

Aisa nahi hai ki khud ko pehchaanti nahi. Aisa bhi nahi hai ki khud ko pehchaanti hoon...
Naam hai. Chehra hai. Kya itna kafi nahi hai...
Chaaro aur ek kohra sa nazar aata hai. Kohre ke us taraf ek shor sunaai padta hai. Is taraf sannata hai. Kisse zyada darr lagta hai, yeh ab tak samajh nahi paayi hoon.

Kahaaniyan ab bhi likhti hoon. Kirdaar bhi wahin hain. Un main bhi khud ko paaya hai. Un main bhi khud ko khoya hai...
Kahaaniyon ne kuch sikhaya bhi hai. Aaj jo itni badi badi baatein kar rahi hoon. Mere puraane pehchaan ka shayad naya hissa hai.
Akeli nahi hoon. Bheed hai bahut yehaan. Akelepan ki chaah hai...
Yeh raasta bhi mujhe pasand nahi. Waqt bhi shayad thoda naraaz hai...
Manzil tak pahuchne ki jaldi bhi nahi...
Kya karna hai shayad yeh maloom bhi nahi.
Par thehraav ke liye koi jagah nahi meri pehchaan main. Paristhitiyon ko badalna hai. Aage badna hai...

Dheeme paanv tumhe aate sunaa tha. Aahista aahista wahaan se uthh khud ko jaate bhi suna tha.
Khat tumhaare saath nahi ab mere. Saath rakhna par chaha tha...
Manzil se tumne mujhe milaya tha ya mere manzil ko mujhse cheena tha...
Sitaron se aaj bhi baatein karti hoon, pata hai...
Ek se toh pyaar bhi ho gaya hai. Miloge usse kabhi toh jaanoge, tum jaisa woh bhi bahut saare sawaal poochta hai.
Par mere pehchaan ka hissa to na tum kabhi the na woh ab hai...

Dost mera badlaav se darta hai. Badlaav shayad mujhse. Dekhona shayad isliye kuch bhi nahi badla.
Wahi kalam. Wahi kaagaz. Wahi khayal. Wahi kami...
Kehta hai itna kya sochna. Kehta hai apna khayal rakho. Shayad darta hai ki badlaav kahin uske dost ko bhi na badalde.
Samjhaaongi kabhi use bhi...
Abhi mujhe kahin aur jaana hai...
Door...
Bahut door...
Haan...theekane ka bhi to pata lagana hai...

Aisa nahi ki khud ko pehchaanti nahi. Aisa bhi nahi hai ki khud ko pehchaanti hoon...

Old ties...

This one's for my buddy (Reema Bhattacharya). And the exclusivity factor predominantly prevails.

That little talk with you I never believed could do wonders. And to think of it we literally spoke after months. And we talked and talked. There’s something about old buddies. And that something is a lot.

And I’m sure if we were to meet now after some years, we would absolutely take it right from here. Like we always were with each other. And what’s strange is we are always with each other. And we defy the distance norms. And laugh at those who lose at its expense.

Loved you and always will. You are that one person in my life who makes me believe that it’s not a lonely world. Not a lonely day. Not a lonely night.

(As mentioned above this post is meant only and only for Reema Bhattacharya. Worthless and unrelated comments are vehemently uninvited.)

Bong Connection...

I am not a Bengali but Calcutta is home.

Barman is my family name. So people are like,

“Barman?? You must be bong!!”

“Tch…tch…actually no…”

I might originally be from Uttar Pradesh but Bengal is where my roots lie. I speak Bengali as fluently as my Bong friends do. My best friend is a Bong. And if there were some pre-requisites to qualify as a Bong, I would have far cleared all of them. I’m a complete Calcuttan.

Music and literature is profusely stuffed in its distinctive panache, here. And this city is politically charged to the core. Every one has a political opinion. And Mamata Banerjee is one crazy lady. When she’s not too busy yelling her lungs out in Singhur or some such place, she indulges in her favorite activity-calling bandhs. No here in Calcutta we do not need a substantial reason to call strikes. We just do it. Just like that. And the Supreme Court doesn’t care bother either.

Matter of fact I hail from a college which lives, dreams, speaks and breathes politics- Presidency College. It’s totally soaked in politics. Or should I say choked…err…

I think I actually got to know what Calcutta really was all about only after college happened. And with college so much more happened. “Communists” is what they call themselves. Che is who they worship. The liberal interpretation of Marx’s comments is made a tad too liberally here. Most don’t know what State is all about. They have no idea what a communist society even means.

It’s just cool out here to wear a Che T-shirt and proclaim yourself Communists. So when I asked a senior to tell me something about his philosophy, all he could manage was, “Che is my hero…”

Your T-shirt told me that already. Bloody fakers!!!

But not all are thus. Some know what they are doing. Some understand. I think most of them should do a little bit of exploration for themselves and then talk about Che and his philosophies. And if they really are as intellectual as they pose, I think they can give the environment a break by relaxing on their cheap ciggis…

The canteen seems to be a far cry from a conventional college canteen. At first your eye brows spring up on seeing the place, and then you get curious and mostly succumb. The crowd if not interesting is queer enough. It’s dark inside and mostly smoky. I don’t need to explain why.

I don’t think I can immerse myself into all this. Not this way atleast. I don’t believe in Communism. And I don’t understand State Theory. And I don’t fag.

The College needs to wake up and realize that there is more than simply dragging the autonomy drama. Anyways they have already lost on the autonomy thingy and even partial or complete freedom seems a distant possibility. In the mean time they can atleast take the initiative of clearing the mounds of garbage in the College campus.

Sorry, but it’ll take some time before I can point to the building above and say it loud without any inhibitions, “That’s where I belong…”

Lost...

I’ve been rummaging around for a while now. I’ve lost something. And astoundingly, this new-found Absence is benign enough to calm me and wholly fill me up with serenity.

Losses manifest into answers, similar to the manifestation of sufferings into wisdom. Wisdom brings in tact. And tact is the weapon to prevent the next loss.

It’s all about that little loop. Its intransience brings in faith.

Faith restores the yearning to live again. To win and lose. And lose some more to finally win. Continuity is all it needs. As innate as it may seem, it’s the most implausibly achieved attribute.

As long as the loss paves the way for a sufferance which rekindles tolerance, rummaging seems worthwhile.

So, I’ve been rummaging around for a while now…

Happy Birthday !!

It’s the Happy Birthday today.

This is what The Telegraph had to say about those born on the 30^th of October:

“You are more intelligent and curious than ambitious. Your independent and rational mind is hardly ruled by emotions alone. You are good at reading people’s nature. You are scared of loneliness, and conceal emotions. In love you are an idealist.”

Hehe…no comments. :D

Happy Birthday to me!!!

“But I couldn’t respond. My culture had taught me all the wrong things well. So I lay completely still, and gave no reaction at all. But the soul has no culture. The soul has no nations. The soul has no color or accent or way of life. The soul is forever. The soul is one. And when the heart has its moments of truth and sorrow, the soul can’t be stilled.

I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.”

Shantaram
Gregory David Roberts.

Reply

Dear R,

It’s startling how someone tip-toes into your life and then makes a thundering departure. And yet you simply cannot fathom the reason for it all. You ask yourself if this is the end, you wait for something to turn up, in any form, in any way, something, anything…

You wonder if this was the pre-assigned termination to what seemed like an eternity.

You look back at all that had been and is no more. You feel the emptiness within; you find something stark about the entire set-up. You blame, you curse, you try to hate, and you undergo anger, frustration. Everything eventually fades away making way for your present, for your today, which looks back accusingly at your past.

Perhaps, what remains behind is a loss which only time can take care of.

They say to open the door ahead you have to close the one behind.

No matter how new the New may seem; no matter how familiar the Old may be. You ought to accept the conclusions.

You can live as a zombie for a day or two. You can cry into your pillow for a night or two. You can not really feel good about yourself for a while. You can ask everyone to get lost. You can…

But one fine morning, you will wake up, smile to that old fact, and gain normalcy just as miraculously as you had gone insane…

So just hold on.

Love,

M

[This is for you R. Your call really startled me. And a lill bit of it is for me as well.]

Discontentment galore...

Economics tells me man always wants more. I couldn’t agree less. I guess the most natural human behavior is to be discontented in every walk of life. Take me for instance; I am unhappy with every possible thing around me. Actually ‘unhappy’ could be replaced by a smooth ‘dissatisfaction’.

There’s dissatisfaction with what I do, where I go, who I interact with, the people I live with, the people I love, those who I hate…blah, blah, blah…everything seems to be topsy-turvy, everything seems to be ‘not fine’.

There’s this discontentment chained to my views, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my convictions, my promises…making me weak, hollow…small.

If the discontentment could have been restricted to my higher self only, it would have mattered less. But even the usual regular affairs seem to be imperfect.

So when my room-mate asks me if I feel lonely without a steady boyfriend, I foolishly grin and say ‘not at all’. How preposterous of her to even ask a question like that. Or when another friend intellectually remarks that,”you don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to discover happiness; it lies within”…Oh yes, sir! It certainly does.

Or when every morning I lazily pull on my old jeans and try compensating it with a new T-shirt, there is dissatisfaction even in this meager action of mine…Nothing seems good, nothing seems perfect…oh yes, quite obviously I miss my metro and have to take the one which brings me to my class a good 10 minutes late…this time my Professor is dissatisfied…

The ridicules that life has till date offered me, my destiny is dissatisfied even with that…

If I was to deeply analyze, I have this feeling that I most probably will happen to ascertain that I’m actually not satisfied with my own self. Maybe not satisfied with what I have made myself into today. Maybe not satisfied with the decisions I have taken. Maybe not convinced about the fact that I’ll some day undo my mistakes. Or maybe, have been too lazy to pull myself up to actually do my job, the one assigned to me.

A sad life it is…actually no, a discontented one…

Boohooo…. :(

Starting out...

The morning is supposed to herald the day. It’s supposed to signify. It’s an initiation.

So is the start of one’s life. What exactly is the start of our life? Which phase in our lives can we coin as ‘the start’?

Is childhood the start? Is it the adolescent age or is it the emerging new adult? Or is every turning point in our life, a start? A rising….an upcoming?

Which is the optimum time to start out? To say to ourselves, “This is it!”
Is it a predetermined occurrence or is it by default?

Does one wake up one fine morning and say,” Today is the day!” Or is it an eventual progression? Does one personally notice this transition? Or is it absorbed unwittingly?

Can one do much to start out phenomenally? Or does the conventional Destiny intervene here as well? Are there starting out philosophies as well?

Does a lame start necessarily indicate a subdued road ahead? Is a phenomenal start so determining? What if one starts out late and lame? Is he/she ruined? Does it indicate an end to all anticipations after that?

Do we all have an equal footing to start out from? Are equal opportunities meted out to all of us? Are some of us deprived and some buried under the heavy gratitude? Is there any sign of consistent individualism in deciding one’s start?

Is this justified?

Will I ever have coherent answers to my questions?
May be…may be not!

She...

And so she walks beneath the evening sky
Her lumbering gait-
Her vanity imbibed.

She moves with a flicker
Like the evanescent time
With eyes that soak in ages of pride.

She says not a word
Not a soul does she find
She looks no more for a world in her stride.

Not a door to knock
Nor a path to return
She looks for a key, that wouldn’t unlock.

And so she walks beneath the evening sky
Her sinister world
With that dwindling hope entwined.

Diary

Life's been really strange for the last two years. The path along which life moved was not just unwanted but also better if avoided.

The continuous progression into time however, seems to have dislocated me ever since. And I'm still trying to put myself back on "the track".

These freaking two years were the worst.....turning everything upside down. The memories of my high-school days, somehow force me to drag up the unpleasant events and consequences.

Last two years in school were living hell. Nothing seemed to be right. Frequent troubles at school coupled with nasty confrontations at home totally drained me. And with my tendency to yield to difficult situations in life (in just the wrong way), made me withdraw from my friends and family in totality.

So much so that I completely gave up on dancing. Dancing- something that had engrossed me all my childhood.

Every attempt by mom and dad to put an end to my stretched nuances were met by an even more rebellious
outbreak of mine.I hated myself for it. Yet, it wasn't enough to help me get a grip on myself!

Today when i look back and try to analyze, I feel stupid about myself.

I gave up on my closest people for something so volatile, for something so unreal, for something which was never meant to be, for something I can never even imagine to stretch out my hands and touch, for something which snapped......just like that!!!
......Leaving me in the nothingness of nothing....

Time passed by, with or without guilt....

I was ready to embark on an all new venture in life when something so nasty gripped me, I couldn't help but end up being consumed by it.

The retardation that had crept into my being, began to spread all over...even around me. A dislike for almost everything was born out of sheer disgust of absolutely nothing.Call it my idiosyncrasy...or call it whatever...even I knew i was making no sense....

All this culminated into something I dreaded...something I feared.Yes, my fear finally took 'the form'.

And today that is all I am left with. Its like trying to revive that sand-castle just washed away by the sea.....

Bounded Freedom

What does it mean to live life on your own terms, what does it mean to be free?
When the congestions and constrictions cease to exist, how does it feel?

It certainly isnt flamboyant or flashy! Is it pallid then? As you become aware of and percieve your state, will you call it contentment? With no restraints to despise, you cant really call yourself alive! For what fun is it, what kind of life is it if you arent living on the edge?

You wont let your backbone crumble for you are adamantly convinced.The fortitude within tells you that you're right even when the world laughs at your resoluteness and calls you a fool!

The reasonings are illogical and haphazard.And they are better that ways. Clearity is intimidating and tangled identities are today true.

The disarrayed wants push you to dangerous permeable boundaries. Yet the impassable trait breathing in you holds you back.....you are not free!

The encroaching limits turn scary. Even the most resolute soul dwindles and meanders. It deviates. It does what it never wanted to do.

And is left with just one question...."What does it mean to be free?"

Rishtey toh nahi rishto ki parchaiyaan mile

Yeh kaisi bheed hai bas yehaan tanhaiyaan mile.

So it finally happens..

*End of the potter saga.After literally growing up with this wizard its hard to believe that there wont be a "next book" again.Though I'm reluctant to acknowledge this but the last book did kinda disappoint me.
Will miss you potter !!

*I'm finally living away from home.Though its too early to comment on my solitary state I'm waiting for the weekend.To return home obviously.

*I'm in college.Yes, finally in college.

*I've managed to put that black enamel on my nails and they look awesome.Yup !! the punk me.

*I now have to dial so many numbers(STD call) to talk to the person I literally lived, dreamt and aspired with.Missing you buddy.

*And I still am not happy with the word 'KID' !!!

And this is a crappy post.Sorry for making you read all this.

Talaash...

Na khwaaboin ki
Na hakikat ki

Na pyaar ki
Na uske na hone ke ehsaas ki

Na saath ki
Na tanhaaiyon ki

Na unke saath
Na unke bina

Na chaand ki
Na is zameen ki

Na us nile gagan ki
Na andhere baadalon ki

Intezaar mera inke pare hain
Talaash mujhe kisi aur ki.

I was on my way from Delhi to Kolkata.A long and lonely train journey.

With just a copy of India Today for company, I knew I was in for a seriously boring journey.I looked at the passengers around me.They looked even more boring than that article in the magazine about why some Pratibha Patil should not be our next president.If I was asked for my opinion I'd say we need no president but sadly enough my opinion never counts....
There was another interesting article (uhmm...I'm not exactly sure of this adjective here) about Mayawati.They called her 'poor little rich girl'....This set me giggling.
But this post is not about India Today articles.

It was a rainy afternoon and I wasnt feeling particularly good inside.My Delhi trip hadn't really worked out the way I wanted it to.Well, not that I was expecting it to but was hoping nevertheless.But as usual there were no miracles waiting to happen for me.And I had pretty much figured out what exactly awaited me back home in Kolkata.I won't get into the details now.Maybe later.....Or may be never.

I'm not sure if this is how everyone feels when dejection sets in but I was feeling particularly very lonely and uncanningly scared.I wanted to call someone close and just let all the heaviness chained inside me out.But I didn't.Not because I was spoilt with options but because I din't want a "common...it'll be fine" or "hey...you'll do great anywhere".....for a reply.Infact I didn't want a reply at all.
I needed no assurances.The numbness somehow seemed familiar.I drew the curtains, cutting myself off from this world.Or atleast pretending to....

Lots of questions were looming in my mind which remain unanswered even today.Some doubts which will never be settled.Some choices which will always remind me of my poor discretion.Some people who I cared about unnecessarily....who mattered.
When faith leads you to a misinterpreted belief...things are bound to crumble.And tightening your fist only worsens the situation.The validity of which reflected in my case.

Agreed I can start anew and assumingly I will....
Though I wonder if the 'twenty-something' me will smile at the 'me' today.Or will she.....

I'll let the moments, days, months, years pass......till then...

Rajdhani sped past the green fields.I closed my eyes.Sleeping was the only acceptable option.

I do not have an attitude problem.
You've got a perception problem.

;)

(I love this.I love this!!!!)

The ethereal universe around me is consuming me.I do not want to stretch out my hands and ask for help.Instead today I want to be engulfed.Corroded by time and etched by the acidic phases,I refuse to break down.The hollowness within cant defeat me.

I want to stand up and look into the eyes of that Power which claims to reign my destiny and fate.No I'm not sorry for anything.My words were mine.My deeds,my own.I'm ready to walk alone.

Don't try comprehending me.You'll not succeed.You ground me to my origin as you inweave me with your beliefs and convictions.Don't do that.For I might try to defend myself.The defence may in all probability shatter you for it wouldn't be an inherited trait.It would be mine.

I'm irrevocable.Why expect a transition from me?Why bring me to the shore and expect a gratitude?Why pardon me whem I'm not submissive?I do not need your doctrines.I need not be preached.Why impose your fears and draconian inquisitions upon me?Why inject in me the helplessness I see in your eyes?
Why not just leave me alone.....

And if you cant,I'm sorry but you do not have a say here.
IT'S MY LIFE. AND YOU ARE NOT INVITED.

Ek Chaah

Ek koshish khud ko samajhne ki
Ek talaash,Ek prayaas,
Rooh main jhaank us anjaan chehre ko pehchaan ne ki,
Usse roo-ba-roo hone ki,
Use apnaane ki,
Ek chaah ab khud ko pehchaan ne ki.

Apne dharaatal se utth
Us aur ek haath badhaane ki,
Kal se door us kal ki aur badhne ki,
Navodit us umang ko pehchaan ne ki,
Khushi uske panapne ki,
Ek chaah ab khud ko chaahne ki.

Ek nayi shuruaat ko janm dene ki
Aaine main dekh muskuraane ki,
Khud se pyaar karne ki,
Khud ke kareeb aane ki,
Ek talaash,Ek prayaas,
Ek chaah ab ek nayi udaan bharne ki...

The Little Things..

Life,they say is beautiful...

It pitter-pattered on my window-pane.Craning my neck,I tried to look out.Rain drops on my cheeks.Gently caressing a rain drop,I look up at the grey sky.Pathos.The sky,as if it was a mother;longing to see her baby,just once.She can hold herself back no more.
What is it with the rain....I wonder.

A sultry afternoon.Uncomfortable but not unwanted.Yet,not invited.
Staring at the clock which vehemently refuses to deviate from its tedious pace,I wonder if the wait would be worthwhile.I wonder if I should fainly let it go..
Little had I realised that it had slipped off my hands already....gone forever.
Time.... is that what you call it?

The first silent prayer.Asking Him for the first time to help someone else.To take care of someone.And hoping He listens.....silently.

The first school-speech.Nervously clutching the microphone.Uttering those innumerable-times-practiced words.Avoiding those darting stares.Unnecessarily,tucking that shirt in or pulling that skirt down or straightening that tie up.School life.....

Hurrying home.Its late.An angry dad.That frosty stare.That numb reticence.Saying it all....
And then the next morning sitting you down and explaining the already-explained morals.Something that'll live with you all your life.....those words.

The Sundays.The lazy winter mornings.The fights.The birthday bumps.The coffee.The secrets....the little things.

Those little things that fill up every tiny space within you.Telling you that its not all about success,failure or the hyped achievements.
Theres something about that first dew-drop twinkling outside your window.
Theres something about gazing at the sky,at those stars and making a small little promise to yourself.
Theres something about staying up late at night doing nothing.
Theres something about that smile which makes you forget everything else.
Theres somthing about those little things.....

Life,they say is beautiful...

Mourning Hassles...

Koi yeh kaise bataaye ki woh tanha kyun hai
Woh joh apna tha wahi aur kisi ka kyun hai
Yehi duniya hai toh phir aisi yeh duniya kyun hai
Yehi hota hai toh aakhir yehin hota kyun hain

You got it- I'm mourning.Well after many days I had a reason enough to mourn.So it had to be a PROPER mourn.Didnt want it to be over-the-top or run-off-the-mill.
No matter what you do, it should have a certain amount of class associated with it.I was told this by my all-knowing-great brother.So how I did mourn and make others near me mourn too, is the story which runs through in the following lines :

Now when you are sad and all down I guess the first thing that undergoes a radical change is your appearance.Remember the actors in our bollywood movies going all white after a heart-break or some such crap.So I decided to go for all those pale shades.Like I gave up on my favorite candy pink or that beautiful sea-green.(I was mourning after all).It was grey and off-whites all the way.

And no flowing hair please.It needs to be strictly pulled back into an imperfect pony.Actually I wanted to create that 'white salwaar-kameez' look but my mom wouldn't relent anyways.Even I was a bit doubtful 'bout shopping for mourning.So the look was postponed.Anyways, who says you cant mourn in a tee and pajamaas?So what if my tee proclaimed out loud "PARTY TONIGHT"...Its about the feeling inside.They taught me this at those boring sessions at school.What do we call them....aah Moral Science classes !!

Now mourning is not easy.So what do you do when dad offers a Mc Donalds and City Centre together.You're tempted.Is it okay to have a quick bite at Mc Donalds when you're mourning? I thought.....Real hard.....Yes, its okay.Instead of something exuberant I'll order something plain.And I would keep feeling bad inside, I promised myself.The inside feeling..... remember?

Now what do you do bout the people around you.Certainly they'll notice that long face.In my case, they noticed lesser TV viewing, no loud music,excessive Jagjit Singh...no regular extortion of money.Worse,no weekend-shopping pleas.
My mom even asked me if I needed a visit to my Doc.
There are times like these when you come up with the most lame excuses.Which no one believes obviously.
Things I tried saying :
"Not feeling well.."
"I'm bored"
"Uhh...umm...nothins wrong"
And everyone believed me.Truly.

A week and I was done with the mourning.I needed my sanity back.Man...I was missing my spoilt habits.
I made a call:
"Hey, what you guys doing?"
"Spidey 3 at Forum"
"We've seen that already...."
"Cheeni kum??...thats all they've got"
"Pick me up"

I'm a horrible person. ;)

Sapne...

Humaare sapne humaare apne hote hain.Dil ke paas aur duniyaadari se alag humaare sachche humraah hote hain.Inhe na pehchaan ki talaash hoti hain aur na hi astitva ka sahaara chahiye hota hain.Na kisi bandhan main bandhe hote hain aur na hi moksha ki khoj main baawrein bane firte hain.
Kitne alag hote hain humse..

Sapne boonna galat nahi hota.Unpe nirbhar ho apne wartamaan ko bhoola dena galat hota hai.Sahi aur galat ke is bhawandar main se apne aap ko nikaalna shayad asaan na ho,par sapne dekhne waale kathinaaiyon ka arth bhi samajhte hain.Toh kya ek sapne ke janm lene se pehle us darr ka janm hona chahiye jo hume batata hain ki shayad yeh sapna kabhi poora na ho.Kya yeh sahi hain? Kyun har baar sirf do raastein hote hain-sahi ya galat.Teesra raasta kyun nahi hota? Kya teesra raasta ho sakta hain? Kabhi ?

Har sawaal ka jawaab nahi hota.Shayaad kuch sawaalon ko jawaab ka saath nahi milta.Ya duniya abhi bhi jawaab dhoond rahi hain.Intezaar karna humpe nirbhar hain.

Ek sapne ke toot jaane se kya doosre ka sahaara lena aniwaarya hain?Agar main us bikhre sapne ko apne haath main liye do aasoon bahaana chahoon toh kyun duniya ko aitraaz hain?Mere aasoon ka kaaran kyun bataaoon main aapko?Kyun yehaan har muskuraahat aur har aasoon ka karan hona zaroori hain?Aur agar na ho toh use chipaana zaroori hain.

"Aisa karna sahi nahi....aisa mat karo.
Usse kuch nahi haasil hota...parchaaiyon ke peeche mat bhaago."

Kya ek baar mujhe khud galti kar use sudhaarne ka mauka milega?Kya sirf ek baar main khud ek sapna dekh loon? Jo aapke sapne se pare ho...jo mera ho,mera apna.

The days...

'IIT JEE results out'.
Sms.I prefer not to name the 'angel' who kindly text messaged this to me today morning but dude I hate you.I wasnt even awake man !!! Why do these kinda news (I mean the awful ones) have to reach me before I'm prepared or rather before I make myself 'effect-proof'.Cause damnit!!....they do affect.Not very pleasing to look at a screen with...'YOU DONT QUALIFY'.Wait...a sec....I'm yet to check my results......
Whatever.... it did reach me...and no matter how hard I tried to press my face into the pillow I knew my sleep had left my room...it was useless lying there on my bed looking at the ceiling which now seemed to resemble my mind-BLANK.

I remember the day, dad brought me to CP.Sitting there in their impressive Chowringee Centre, I had no clue what awaited me.NO CLUE.Ohh.. in case you do not know..(which supposedly is the case)CP happens to be an IITJEE coaching centre,making its presence strongly felt in the list of innumerable IITJEE coaching centres in our country.Please ask someone else how good (or bad) the centre is...I have lesser idea than the guy who delivers newspaper at our (our???) centre.
Whatever...

I was supposed to prepare for the engineering entrance exams,here.They like handed me a sheet with all stupid questions.I mean the usual acceleration,velocity,work,power,propane,ethane,matrices,calculus......blah,blah,blah......uggghhhh !!!
I was fidgeting with my paper and pencil when I realised I was supposedly taking an entrance exam in order to prepare for THE ENTRANCE EXAM.Sounds complicated ...huh? It is. It is.
So a letter informs me one day I'm selected. Like they would refuse me with all the money I was offering them in order to screw me for a year.Whatever.....its hard to believe now but i was infact excited then.Why? I have as little idea as you do.

And thus began one completely awful year.Five days at school and the weekends locked up at CP.For one complete year.Might not sound that stressful for some of you out there ,but for me it was living hell.Given the kinda person I am.I have never studied for more than half an hour at a stretch.Imagine six hours of continuous gruelling lectures and to spice it all up surprise quizzes dropped in ocassionally(Correction-frequently).My scores ......ummm they were a bit crooked like me.I mean no matter how much I tried I just couldnt make myself love what I was doing.Let alone love ....post few months I couldnt even bear the classes.Talking to teachers didnt help,friends were bit of a help at times but you know there are times when you need a little more than that 'bit of a help'.Reasoning out with dad wasnt feasible either.Worse, he was expecting me to do fabulously out there.Not a very inviting situation as you can see.

But as you know everything happens for a reason.In my case the reason is still a tad too blurred (for me).The CP sessions taught me more than mathematics and physics.They taught me to 'adapt' most importantly.To wait.To listen to things you didnt want to.I realised that we dont always make the right decisions.Worse,sometimes we completely misunderstand ourselves.Blaming is easy.Accepting is hard.And not quitting the toughest.And its not always 'your way'.

You also realise that the term 'good' is a very relative one.Yes,I know I'm a good student,thank you.But as I said its relative.How good?Am I better than A?Is B better than me?All unnecessary questions which can be dispelled by a simple...'Who cares?'.But we all know we care and more.The word 'competition' is a real funny one.We are competing...huh?What for? A college....eventually a job.... salary...social acceptance..???? Will you believe me if I say I dont want all this.'There she goes again'.....I wont blame you.Sometimes I say that to myself infact.

Ohh...I just forgot.The CP sessions....right??Lets dump it.In one word,they were AWFUL.Okay two words...Necessary Crap.I was pressingly frustrated even before half the course was done.I dragged along somehow.Surprisingly enough,no matter how bad or good things are....they miraculously do come to an end.As did the cruel year.Followed by an unending chain of exams.And now even they are over.Ohh no....I dont miss anything at all.Their departure is such a soothing relief.

I wont get into how tough it is to clear JEE with Boards.All that is crap.Seriously.Its no big deal.All you need is the WILL.I lacked that.Never wanted it.So never got it.(okay I still have to check the, reults right?...hopes....I tell you.)Whatever...I cant crap anymore.As for my results...common even you must have guessed it by now!!

Headache.And why isnt this IIT site working.Tch..Tch..
(Sorry dad).

Siskiyaan...

Mujhse poochte ho main kaun hoon..
Meri aahat ab ek sawaal hai tumhaare liye.
Kehte ho yaad nahi kuch..
Anjaan mere khayaal hai tumhare liye.

Roshni se roothe baithe ho..
Kehte ho andheron ne gher rakha hai.
Ajnabiyon se dosti hain tumhari..
Apno se mooh mod rakha hai.

Agar kaho toh saath chal sakti hoon..
Na kehne par bhi mujhe aana hai.
Kehte ho iski zaroorat nahi..
Tanhaaiyon se tumhaara yeh ajeeb yaraana hai.

Khwaab ek nahi humaare..
Raahoin ko bhi bat jaana hai.
Ajeeb hai meri yeh uljhan..
Haath phir bhi maine tumhaara hi thaama hai.

Jo toot gayi agar main..
Samet paaoge apne aap ko.
Jo aawaz meri tum tak na pauhunchi..
Samjha paaoge apne aap ko.

Kaisa asar hai tumhaara yeh..
Sawaal karna mujhe bhi seekha diya.
Jawaab na dhoond saki toh..
Sawaalon se hi man behla liya.

Yaadoin ko kuretna..
Aadat nahi humaari.
Masoom khwaahishon ko kuchalna..
Fitrat nahi humaari.

Diwaangi ki bhi had dekho..
Jo maanga, maine diya.
Toh kya hua agar..
Apne aapko hi mujhse cheen liya.

Chalte Chalte....

"Hi"

"Yeah hi"

"Leaving already?"

"Yeah......its late.And it might rain as well.I better hurry."

"Want me to walk you home?"

"I'm not walkin....
I'll take a cab or ...."

Before I can complete,

"I'm walking you home...."

"I wonder why you ask at all..."

"Haha..."

He smiles and says,
"Say something...."

"Nice shirt"

"Ohh, thanks...
And...?"

"Nice jeans as well....
Pepe or Levis?"

"Minakshi !! "

"Okay, what is it you want me to say?"

"Nothing....uhmm...
Hows life?"

"Yeah okay..
Hows yours?"

"Dunno...Never bothered to find out...."

"Hmm...
Too busy with girlfriends ?"

"Girlfriends.....
Yeah, too busy..."

I smile.

"I'm not lying"

I smile again.

"Okay...
I am lying.
No girlfriends...
As if I needed to be more obvious...."

I almost laugh.

"The loser me"

"Yes, the loser you"

He looks at me.

"Yeah....anyone who thinks he's a loser just because he's single-IS A LOSER !"

"Dont preach"
Almost scolding.

I smile again.

"What's so funny?"

"Naah...not funny.Amusing though."

"Amusing..."

"Yeah....how some people never grow up."

"And you've grown up alright......huh?"

"Stop being so defensive"

"Why didnt you ever call?"

"Lost your number.
Why didnt you?"

"I thought...
Nevermind...."

"Are you upset?"

"Am I? Dunno.....
Why do I feel you've changed?"

"Aah...too cliche....
Innovative drama is welcome though...."

"Not funny !"

"Sorry..
We're already there."

"Huh?"

"Home"

"Ohh yeah....And it didnt even rain.....
No interesting talk...
Didnt get an opportunity to save you from gangsters....
Nothing...."

"You were expecting all that ??"

"Kidding"

"Wanna come in?"

"No"

"Hey...before I forget....
Give me your number..."

"You'll lose it anyways....."

"Hey...."

"Bye"

"Wait!
Listen....."

He didnt.

I turned.
It was drizzling.

If I could ask/say...

There are so many things we keep asking ourselves.
If they are not too wacky (mine always,are),we might as well ask people around us.
So here's what I'd ask/say...

To God:
You dont hate me that much .....You're just trying to draw certain conclusions right?
Whatever...
I'm tired of your divine "chichorapan".Stop it now !!!!

To Dad:
Please define "ENGINEERING"

To Mom:
Will you always love me this much....

To Bro:
You really think I'm dumb????

To a friend:
You didnt mean it when you said.....
Okay, I'll drop this one !

Another friend:
The guy you are dating is a jerk!!
Do I still need to explain why????

My first serious crush:
Do you know I exist???

My second-not-so serious crush:
You were awful !

One of my aunts:
I hate you.
Please cut down on your visits to our place.
Pahleaseeeeeee !!!!!

To my Physics Sir:
You made me love something I most dreaded.(whatever the reasons may be ;))
Thank you !

To another friend:
I'm sorry!
But you still suck (big time).

To another friend:
We dont use perfume..
We use WATER to bath..
Got it sweety !!!

That guy at Satya Paul:
You're undoubtedly the cutest creature around !!

To be continued.....

Sun or Rain

Sun or Rain
Truth or Faith...
An automated gratification.
A reflex.
Perpetually dark
Why care
When brightness hurts
The sun
The rain
The tainted times.

The yesterday
The today
All diabolically
Breakin away
From you
From me..
To the then
To oneday become the now..
The erratic escapade
Imprecise as always.

My exigency
Never justified
Overlooked
Unheard
Withered
Dead.

The moments
The effect
New as always..
The tomorrow-
Old and Spent..
The hope-
Volatile,
Like a mirage
Distant..
Far..
Far away...

Escapism
Or the distorted beliefs..
Recognition no more plausible.

Screams rendered a lighter hue
Memories hollow
Lost dreams
Discovered
In the silence-
The One which beckons the end.
To give birth to a start
The start....

Failure

The only people who never fail are those who never try.

Failure-The Inevitable.
Can failure ever be incidental? Is it always born out of our follies? Is it the rudimentary point of every destined success? Is failure the greatest human fear? Is faliure compatible with fate?

An incisive criticism of failure would prove to be a mammoth task in itself.
But I am not here to criticise failure or to exaggerate its relevance in our lives.We all know what it means and how it affects.

So what do we DO when we have failed already?When dejection has finally crept in, boring into our minds and soul?When insecurity strangles us, what do we do?
The soreness cannot be disowned then, neither can the harsh truth.

Defenceless, is what you feel.And then the question, "Why Me?"
Followed by the immediate desire to just once go back, to rewind, to avoid.....The Inevitable.
An yearning to defy the Laws of Time.A folly in itself.

Your mind starts fabricating dreadful mishaps.Arbitrary concerns loom out of your imagination.You are helpless.You blame, you curse- in vain.

Optimists and Pessimists have their own contradictory views regarding failure.
I intend to percieve failure neither as a demerit nor as a faux pas.What then does IT mean to me?
May be my cognitive journey through life will help me answer these queries........

Customary Void

A passing thought,
A momentary bliss,
A temporary relief,
Again the customary void.

Words unspoken,
Emotions unexpressed,
Feelings uncommunicated,
Again the customary void.

A vindictive idea
An ugly creation,
A lingering question..
Again the customary void.

A blurred image,
Winding up in vagueness,
Yet impressive
But again the customary void.

A moment of truth ,
A crude realisation,
The emerging radiance,
And the void.....a distant,trivial matter.