My New Love ;)

It's all music to my ears :P
Thanks Bro :)

Pink

There’s a groovy flow in the air around me. Life indeed is pink right now. I feel like a young woman sitting by herself in a café with a cup of coffee, by choice. And watching the world move in and out of that small café. And the warmth of the coffee warms me inside. And it feels nice.

Right now everything in my near and distant panorama seems to have acquired a tender glow. I do not know if everything indeed is in such high spirits but then why bother. It’s mighty blissful this way and whoever’s complaining.

And there certainly is more than a single reason for it all.

:)

While in Love...

This one’s for you love…

Love happened to me pretty early in life. I say early because I’m still a month short of being twenty and it’s already been more than three years since I’ve known him. And love happened eventually over the years.

Being in love is magical. It’s like a dream you’d want never to end. For me love was always a serious affair. I never believed in the trial-and-error method. It was destined to be grand. By grand I do not mean the magnitude or the enormity of the whole concept. It’s not about the depth or the expanse either. It’s about something that is unfathomable and thereby cannot be explained. Love was always an immaculate concept for me.

And pure it is. Absolutely free of malice, it stands strong.

One of the most amazing things about love is the way one discovers oneself in the process. Sometimes you just stop for a moment and think was that really me. Did I really say all that? Take me for instance; I always believed I was one of the most unromantic souls around. And boy, am I romantic now! I surprise myself at times. All those quirky lines that I come up with at times, trust me, I absolutely leave myself baffled at that. And my guy can but only smile.

It’s amazing how the little things that are just between the two people in love become the most cherished belongings. Like those little embarrassing events which you wouldn’t want anyone else to know but him. And then smile every time he brings it up. That’s the thing about love.

It tickles you. It makes you smile when it’s all grey. And you know that this is life and it’s beautiful.

Then the first few things that love brings along are the ones that stay with you forever. Etched somewhere deep down, it feels as if it were only yesterday. Like your first kiss. Or your first rose. Or in that case your first walk in the rain together. Or maybe dreaming for the first time together. Those first warm, ticklish, whispered I-love-you-s. Or maybe that first shared cup of cappuccino. Each one of them is a priceless memory. And timeless they shall be.

I’ve learnt to care while in love. I’ve learnt to share. I’ve learnt to put someone else before myself in my prayers. I’ve learnt to be happy. And I’ve learnt to appreciate. To value things before they are lost forever.

While in love, life happened to me. And it has been wonderful ever since…

The picture...

“A bleak picture is all I see”

“Look closely…what do you see?”

“I see dust.”

“And…”

“I think I see an orange sky…”

“It is the sky. And amidst the dust…do you see something?”

“I see a stretch of nothingness. I see vastness. And I see how sterile it is.”

“Why is nothingness always barren?”

“Nothingness is barren…maybe because it cannot create.”

“Why can’t it be complete in itself?”

“I don’t know…maybe because it needs someone to confirm that it indeed is complete.”

“And beyond the vastness…do you see anything else?”

“I see silence.”

“And that is discomforting?”

“No it is unaffecting. It fails to touch me.”

“Do you see anything beyond the skies?”

“Yes.”

“And what is that…?”

“I see satiation.”

“Funny…you said that.”

“I know sky is supposed to be limitless. Though I somehow strongly feel that this is where it ends. This is where it’s supposed to die. To end here and never begin.”

“Is there anything else that you see?”

“I don’t know why but I find the dust concealing something.”

“Concealing…like concealing what?”

“I wouldn’t know…would I? It’s covered. Hidden.”

“You could guess.”

“I think it conceals life. It conceals you and me. It proclaims desolation while concealing joy. It conceals simplicity. It conceals purity. It conceals the colors while depicting an unaccustomed anguish.”

“And you thought it was a barren picture…”

“I knew it was bleak till I looked closer.”

Echo

It is not easy to let go, to take it all in and not even flinch. When I say it doesn’t matter, it matters all the more and how I wish you knew. That you understood that this silent uneasiness screams into me and I know into you as well.

It is not easy to let go when you’ve made promises. It hurts when you are cold. When you just don’t realize that all I need is a little bit of your warmth. It hurts when you walk away. From yourself. From me.

It is not easy to wait, when I know I can’t have you back. I never shall. It’s funny how every time this irresolute realm stretches to the wideness which neither you nor I can encompass. Taking it in is an intricate concept now.

It is not easy to be not scared. To not step back and turn away. It seems an irrational thing now of what was and what is. Yes, I’m afraid of losing you. Unsuspecting if I’ve already lost you. I could have.

It is not easy to feel good and not think about you. It is not easy to move ahead and not want to have you by my side. It feels empty. It feels ruthless and unfair. It feels like a battle fought without purpose. It feels like coming back to an empty house and never having back that little home.

It is not easy to believe that you are happy without me. That when you say life goes on you really don’t cringe within. To believe that you have indeed grown up and I haven’t. That I still find my little goldfish in a bowl fascinating.

It is not easy to sit back and put all those strewn pieces together again. For some pieces though wearyingly aligned, cannot put back the picture together again ‘cause some pieces still remain crumpled up in your tightened fist. And I know I shall never have them back.

No Rides For Free...

There are no rides for free
We flock to the one
Who’s known for the best deal.
One day we have the sun
Most days we don’t…
We whine we whimper
We dance to the faintest of tunes
Oblivious to the distant storm.

We dream a dream
Of what seems real
And what it is not…
We sing of yellow flowers
Of lovely maidens
Living in a far away land…
We weave our story
Around what exists not.

We thrive. We breathe.
We live: for that’s what
We're here for.
We hum. We plead.
We praise our savior
In our times of need.
This is our paradise.
Or is this our life?

We care not if it’s indigo
Or the mushy lilac hue.
We care not if its day
Or a dark magical mystic night.
We ho-hum all the way
Not halt for a moment to ask
Is that where we’re headed to…
Or is this where we belong?

Because of You...

Darling look high above
The sky glows for you
The night sings to you
It’s all because of you…

Touch a star
And see it shine
It’s your dream
And it all shall be true…

Look inside
You’ll feel it grow
That faith of mine
Holding on to you…

The night whispers
Look how it smiles to you
It wants to be with you
Darling it’s all because of you…

(Written for a special someone when I was 17)

My falling star did not grant me my wish
It crashed so bad...

I had only wished it just saved itself...

Of Knots and More...

You must remember that if you have been forgotten you haven’t really been erased completely. In a dynamic context, you have just been kept aside to may be, yes may be, be brought up if and when the need arises. Inanimate though it may sound but such are the ways of people and there is very little that you can do about it.

You might yourself have forgotten people but this does not mean that you wouldn’t be happy to have them back. Therefore you haven’t really written them off your life. You see the difference. It’s just a temporary trend.

Take a piece of string. Coil it round your fingers and then tie a knot. Try pulling your fingers; you only end up tightening the knot. No matter how much you pull, no matter how hard you pull, the knot only tightens and if you try pulling back more strongly, the string snaps. The only way to put the string together again is by making another knot.

And knots indicate instability. They hint at struggle. At conflicts. They tell you that an attempt has been made here to undo things gone awry. That things have not really been very fine here. So do not try pulling at fragile continuities. The knot once formed remains. And worse still, they end up multiplying if bothered any further.

Being forgotten tends towards those knots. Having been erased is the knot formed.

You need not analyze your life based upon your knot counts. That would be naïve. For their formation is obligatory. The knots tell you of how life has been and how it should be ahead. They urge you to strive towards perfection.

The road towards perfection itself can never be just perfect. There will be deviations, severe differences within and with all, at times there will be obvious departures from the path chosen for not so obvious reasons-all of them misleading you and you drift away. And as you do so you know something is amiss. You know you need to get back. To what you were supposed to do. To what you’ve always wanted to do. To your chosen path to perfection .Without these trends perfection cannot be attained. Goals cannot be achieved. Aspirations cannot be justified. Opportunities cannot be optimized. Hopes cannot be tangibly assured.

So the knots formed on your road to perfection are crucial. And as mentioned earlier this clearly indicates that you’ve struggled-you’ve fought your way to perfection. So if knots are unnecessary when it comes to our emotional realm, their vitality is manifested in other spheres of our lives. And this sphere of influence can in no way be undervalued. One thing that needs to be understood is how hard you pull your string. For strings snap. Sometimes very easily.

So pull your string accordingly. Form your knots where and when the need arises. Undo them. Form the knots again. Only then is the loop completed. However, it isn’t all about knots after all. There always is more to it…

On your Birthday.

My flower of the day dropped its petals forgotten.
In the evening it ripens into a golden fruit of memory.

-Tagore
Stray Birds.

I am but only a reader reading your poems years after they first breathed. And yet I can feel that living joy and the glad voice which once must have echoed somewhere within you.

8th May.

Backdrop

The skies were a detached grey. The winds whispered secrets into the air and the trees intimately drew close to each other in order to listen to things that concerned them not. A sullen grumbling cloud wanted to tear itself open and finally let go. It towed along anyways. Hopeful. Some more fluffy grey fellows dragged behind.

It wasn’t really an impregnated state. There was motion. You could feel it flow. Within you and outside. But the horizons pulled back, moving away…expanding nothingness.

The winds tried to flirt with careless locks and the locks played along. Constantly being tucked behind by a conformist, they fought for their free space. The eyes tried avoiding confrontation, they were too hallowed to vandalize.

And in the midst of unplanned chaos the lover sang his song. A song of acute longing, of loss and of a yearning that could contract the being within. A song which beseeched the sun to shine and which implored time to rewind. A song which longed for tranquility.

As night stepped in stealthily, the obviousness of it was silently drawn in. The winds ceased and a lifeless calmness took over. A dead and unfinished picture finally captured. The clouds moved away for the stars to flicker. And a shy moon snuggled high up above. Breathing silently. While its loneliness hid behind a shield of never ending distance.

In control

I’ve always liked to believe that I’m totally capable of living my life on my own terms. I’ve always lived with this idea that irrespective of people, situations, emotions or chance it is me and only me who can make things happen in my life. Or simply put who can rework things in my life. This rigidity has lived so long with me now that even if I were to revise my belief I’d end up coming back to where I’d begun.

I do not know about the absolute accuracy of this idea of mine and fortunately or unfortunately I see no way in which I can get hold of any explicit verification measures. Of the little I’ve seen and been through I see no reason why I should make myself think otherwise.

True, we meet people; go through situations – both pleasant and unpleasant; face oppositions; live in doubt and fear; hold onto things that are constantly slipping away; experience insecurities and so much more. Yes, we do get affected in due course but if scrutinized to the micro level I’m sure even you’d agree that we actually let all this happen to us. More importantly we all know that at some point life had surely given us a chance where we could just halt, stand firmly and tell ourselves that we don’t need any of this clutter and save ourselves then and there. We always are given that one chance. However, the beings that we are and the love that we hold for over-rating life and its events, we fail to look at the simplified part of the entire process.

Thus, being miserable, discontented and scared. When all that we needed was a moment of firmness. I do not know if things are that simple or not but I’m sure that things ain`t that complicated either. We always have the freedom to live our lives our way. And that is how it should be.

I advocate for a complete individual control over one’s life. Irrespective of any thing what so ever. The decision to take the next step should be a personal one. Sound advices should be incorporated along the way but the power to control should reside with no one but me.

I wish...

I think I want to own a house in the mountains. A small cottage maybe. Get myself a German shepherd. Convince The Guy to come along somehow. Listen to some good music. Become a great cook. Read all the books I’ve always wanted to.

I still can’t decide if I’m addicted to tea or coffee. So by this year end, I need to get one thing straight - a clear demarcation between tea and coffee. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I wish I was an Arabian princess like Jasmine maybe. And I wish my guy owned a flying carpet, a blue genie and…that would suffice I guess.
Life would be fun. So much fun. We would roam the deserts, hunt for emeralds and rubies, fight the bad guys and yes occasionally save the kingdom too. Me in that pretty blue dress please. Hehe…

I don’t think I like this concept of exams anymore. Not that I ever did. But how I wish I could walk up to the King of my land and ask him to do away with exams. But I’m sure even he would look at me as unbelievably as my dad did when I told him about comparative literature. Now that’s a different story altogether folks! (Later, maybe.)

Remember those coloring books from kindergarten. The ones where we were asked to rub crayons on some round figures. Apples. Oranges. Round faces. Usually on lazy afternoons. After lunch. What fun boy what fun!!! I want to do that again. Oh how I want to do that again.

I wish I could blow up my college. BOOM !!!
With the professors, dope-heads, the stupid clerk who refuses to accept fines and the Aquaguard machine which never works.
Oh how I wish…

And I really don’t have a reason for scribbling all this. DUH !!!!

Please papa...

“I don’t like it here papa…I just don’t”

“There are very few places in this world darling that can actually proclaim your acceptance and likeness…”

“World is a big word you know, papa…”

“And you have seen none of it…not yet…”

“Will you ever let me papa…will you ever let me leave your hand and walk on my own? Will you ever let me stumble and get up to walk again…on my own?”

“People yearn for protection do you know that…it’s not wise to project your ignorance. Only a fool can ask for a fall when people around are willing to raise him…to a pedestal even he hasn’t imagined for himself.”

“Then why push him beyond his imaginations…why not let him dream for himself…why not, papa?”

“Not every one is capable of dreaming big.”

“And who decides the limits papa…who?”

“Dreams have no limits…they are not measured…”

“Well…if they don’t, then how can my dream be smaller than yours…why compare them if they are not measurable…?”

“No one’s comparing them dear…we are just helping you…protecting you. That is all.”

“Your help chokes me papa…your protection holds me back…it grasps me so tight…I can’t break free papa…I don’t like it here…”

“You understand nothing dear…someday you shall…”

“Yes papa…I don’t understand. And how I wish I had never tried understanding.”

Skies of Gold...

And tonight when the stars twinkle
I shall whisper into you
A tale of love
Of life
Of perpetuity.

Like that afterglow
Of yours
Which leads me on…
Like that dream
Which touches me
Breathes into me
My life.

When I close my eyes
I want you to dream for me.
I want us to walk the miles
Of eternity.
Of all the tales of love
Sing to me the one that’s yours.
Of all the stars in the sky
Shine like you’re my own.

Tonight the sky conceals
The obscurity stays…
I feel numb.
I see but I see not
I know and yet I know not.
Opened up before you
And yet I try and hide.
Hold me and tell me its fine.
Tell me I’m loved and it’s alright.

The rain bleeds
The scar might never go.
This dance is scary
For once just let it go.
This music hurts
It’s not merry anymore
The sky warns
Come hold me like you’d never go.

And while you fight your demons
Let life love you a little more
Look into the soul
Whether mine or yours.
The demons shall be defeated
The deceit shall be gone.
You’ll open your eyes
To me whispering to you-
Underneath the skies of gold.

Yum-Yum-Yummy !

So I finally do it. FINALLY!!

Okay I accept I am one of those naïve ones who never really understood what a bliss cooking is. Oh the delight, I tell you.

Till recently that is…

Taunted and teased by almost everyone- The Guy, friends, bro and even mom…”I bet you can’t even boil water”, “don’t tell me you can actually make yourself decent coffee or tea or anything at all…”, “Aww…the kid can’t cook…” BLAH BLAH BLAH…

I decided to pull myself out of the humiliation muddle.

So BIRIYANI it was. Yes, at the very first go. I’m a daring person you know. Blush*Blush*Blush!

With the recipe book in hand I told mom I wanted to give it a try. With an enforced smile she wished me luck and hurried away…

“I’ll ask the maid to help you.”

But I could see a ‘please-don’t-blow-up-my-kitchen’ look on her face.

I said that would be fine with me. I think she muttered a lill prayer and left home. But that’s just my thinking. Common I do think at times. Stop smirking.

So the ingredients were arranged. Yes, I just love having all those things aligned right in front of me. The onion, coriander, chilies, bay leaves, ginger etc, etc. Kinda gives you the empowered feeling. Well, it did to me.

So the ghee was heated. Onion and company plunged right into the pan. That special tickle-tackle sound. Hmmm…

Suddenly the onions started turning golden to brown. I mean faster than they should. Panick. Panick. Panick.

“Dekho na… pyaaz kuch theek nahi lag rahe…”

The maid came in. Turned the regulator to medium. The fire took a chill-pill. She gave me a ‘you-know-nothing’ look.

Aah…I took offence. No seriously.

The rice was cooked separately. Man, did you know you’re actually supposed to cook the rice and chicken separately for biriyani. Well, cool if you did, I didn’t.

I mean if you have had it all your life together I thought you cooked it together as well…

Whatever…

So ultimately with the kesar, daalchini powder, yoghurt and many more complicated stuff and too many ‘why-do you-even-try’ looks from my maid the food was ready. And boy…it looked good. Smelled heavenly.

Raita was solely my creation. I made sure my maid did nothing with it. Yeah the salt was doing a kind of guest appearance there when we tasted it later but then I guess…that’s traditionally expected of a tyro.

After a whole Sunday morning and a great deal of effort the blessed thingy was done.

It tasted good. I swear it did.

And before I actually start bragging…all you people who know me can come over to my place for my next adventure. If and when.

Risk factor involved so kindly use your discretion.

Bbye.

PS: The kitchen did look like…uhmmm…blown up. After I was done that is.

Shayad...

Mausam badal raha hai. Shayad kuch aur bhi. Shayad main. Shayad tum.

Yun meri taraf dekh tumhaare muskuraane ka kya matlab nikaloon main...Is ehsaas ka koi toh naam hoga. Shayad tumhe pata ho. Shayad mujhe bhi. Par haan tumhi kehte ho...shabdoin ke pare dekho...dekh rahi hoon...

Khoobsurat hai. Is safar ki taraf...

Chalte chalte...kadmoin ki aahat sun rahe ho...jaise kuch keh rahein ho...shayad gunguna rahein hain...
Shayad...

Dekhona ab is gudgudi ka main kya karoon...
Pareshaan hoon...ise kaho mujhe tang na kare...

In sitaaroin se poocho agar yeh kal bhi hum par yunhi meherbaan rahenge...
Kal bhi hume dekh muskuraayenge...

Ab na kehna tanha ho...
Mere saath ho. Mere paas.

Labzoin mein kya rakha hai...
Jab bin kahein itni baatein ho...
Bin bataye ehsaas ho...

Agar kaho toh is hawa ke jhonke ko chale jaane ko keh sakti hoon...
Kahin humaare waqt ko uda na le jaaye...

Na jaane ab yehaan se kahaan jaana hai...
Kitne kareeb aana hai...
Kitni door jaana hai...

Bas tum saath ho...
Aur yeh ehsaas hai...

Ki...

Shayad...
Shayad ise hi pyaar kehte hain...

Sunday-ing

Today morning I woke up late. Walked straight to the dining table, picked up The Telegraph and walked back to my room. Read my weekly forecast (I'm gonna meet someone special this week - they've been telling me this for years now...I'm waiting. No seriously! ), realized it was SUNDAY (and I had no plans), made my lill mind finally realize that there WON'T be any book fair this year. (Boohoo...but I support the environment issue so I can't even crib about this...what pain!!!)

Discovered I had wasted my entire week. I was ill. The stupid doc first told me it was measles and even prescibed me pills for a disease that did not exist. It was just a food and/or dust allergy. Anyways I'm fine now. Hence the post.

A cousin dropped by. Poured some heavy metal into my system and made me promise that I'd keep re-filling. K called up to say that it wasn't fair on my part to not turn up for the concert. I just hmmmm-ed along. He said I wasn't a good friend and he wanted his Coldplay cds back. I gotto explain man!!! Gawd...what's with people these days!

Mom explained how I should make my own sandwiches and not depend on the mess all the time. I haan-hmmm-ed all along. Finally managed to get a decent bath. I'm squeaky clean now. Did I tell you that it's cold even in Kolkata now !!! Now, cold by my standards okay...if you're from Norway or something, kindly overlook.

Went out. To South City Mall again. Yes, if you've lived all your life in Kolkata (18 years to be precise) then you end up at the same place very alternate weekend. This place is as bland as my mess food. No wait, the food is worse. First time I was very excited, today I yawned 14 times (S was keeping count) and sneezed dunno-how-many-times (S wasn't keeping count). To be honest, I'm not visiting it again for quite some time now. And the food takes too long. Hey check out the one-liners on the yet-to-be-opened store's entrance. My personal favorite is:
"We don't want your money. Yet." :D
BTW S thinks that the girls here are hotter than those in City Center. I don't agree. He's nuts anyways. In response to this, he told me I shouldn't comment cause I'm not hot and it's only the high-school kids who notice me. He's nuts anyways!!

Met P. She said the black-tee MADE me look thin. Why can't you just say you looking good/slim !!! Bitch!!!

Bro called. He's got an admit from North Carolina. I yuppie-d him. Then we squeaked together. And the call got disconnected. I didn't call back. I'm happy for him.

Hey you know what last weekend I was at Barista and boy...they were playing Abba again. I bet they have just one record. And they keep playing it again and again. Some discovery there !!! Hehe...

I know, I know with such zabardast grammar and vocab I shouldn't have posted, but hey who wants to be the same EVERY time. My blog is also meant to be scribbled in, when I'm bored. What!!!...why didn't I say that before??????
That's rude...okay!!!!

Jao jao...bbye.

PS: The pic somehow doesn't go with the post. And I don't wanna take it off either.

My stained sky

I know it’s pretty stupid of me to break my heart over someone like you. I know that. My insignificant self finally acknowledges that and I plead guilty.

It had all been my fault. Blame it on my system or blame it on my distorted attitude. My imbalanced self however has had enough. Mine is not a helpless puppy love affair. And I won’t let it be either. You don’t really care about my chimera, I’m glad you don’t. At least you won’t claim a share of my emotions later and I won’t have to fight to hold myself back.

If truth be told I don’t really care. I don’t want you back and yes you can stay. With all your worldly glory, with all your vain you can look down upon me. If stars someday happen to glow in your eyes, thank the one in charge, because you don’t deserve them.

I’m afraid the bitterness within strengthens. You might say it’s because of my flawed state. You might think otherwise. The stained sky shall forever remain, my love. It forever shall…

It’s time to actually lift myself up as I rise on my toes to give you that last good-bye kiss. It’s time for me to address to my wounds and make sure that they heal. Live the way you always wanted to. I’ll live mine too.

Changing Times...

A new year. A new time.

If only stories changed with time. They don't. If only you could crush those dried leaves and throw them away, assuming them to be something that they are not. It's not that easy.

Else, life could have been simpler. Sense and sensibility would hold for me too. Nevertheless, I hope. I pray. I wait.
As always...
A new time indeed.