Haan shayad ek uljhan hai.
Ya nahi...

Na uska koi chehra hai na uski koi parchaai.
Jaise woh bas hai. Yehin-kahin. Aas-paas.
Shayad mere hi andar hai. Shayad mera hi hissa…

Jo chaloon main, toh woh saath chal deta hai.
Jo theher jaaun. Toh bas mere saath
Meri hi paas dubak kar baith jaata hai.

Mooh pher loon. Toh bhi nahi maanta.
Jaise hum-raahi ho.
Jhatak doon. Toh bhi nahi saath chodta.
Jaise mera ho. Koi apna.

Ek uljhan hai.
Yehin kahin. Aas-paas.
Shayad mere andar. Shayad mera hi hissa...

Apparently, there is no reason why I have been shying away from my blog for some time now.

Maybe I had nothing to say. Or maybe there were too many things. And too random. All of them.

I have been trying of late to not think of too many things together. I pick up books. Read a line or two. And put them back.. I plug in my ipod. Shuffle. Shuffle. And put it aside.

It’s like I want this. And then that. And then back to that again. It’s confusing. And tiring.

I am a little scared too. Of the work in hand. Cause as usual I’m not being absolutely honest with it. I want to. I can. But I’m not.

It’s weird how after listening to my favorite songs over and over again, I begin to actually dislike them. And want to never hear them again.

Also how close I’m getting to people who I thought I’d never be able to even get along with. It’s a nice thing. Yes. However, I’m beginning to dig too deep into it again. All but unnecessarily.

I should just let things be. For a while.

The best B'day ever :)

The Roses. The Water-candle. The birthday gift. The Chocolate truffle. You. Me.
And Love. Life is beautiful. And you make it so...

PS I love you :)

On the Way...

A pink dress Barbie-like for my 5th birthday.

A slap on the right cheek for losing my school cardigan in mid-January.

A we-all-fall-down at school during one of those lunch-breaks, smelling of tomato sandwiches and boiled eggs.

Bruised hands and feet after fighting Bhaiya over the remote and in the process almost replicating his favorite WWE show with ugly men in colored underwear.

Driving Mom crazy while screaming with cousins and running up and down the stairs, hands all up in the air.

Making untidy noises while slurping the cheap orange-flavored ice candy. And thereafter sticking out the orange-tinged tongues at everyone.

Running to dad with the minutest cut and then wailing till he kisses, caresses and soothes the cut.

Cuddling up to mom on dark rainy nights.

Talking to the little plants in the garden and watching the tadpole go up-up-up-and-down.

Dream

Trailing behind a seamless course, suddenly a dream lost its way. It flung itself far and wide.

And as the eyes close, it moves a little farther away, pressing into the darkness it transcends from slumber to grey. It twirls within and echoes outside. Slowly it moves from grey to a block-white to a block-black.

And as the direction of the beholder changes, the dream - it moves away, at times too far away. Sometimes like a recluse it seems distant.

On a day with no sun and no breeze, it might just die. With no flow and no bearing. And then the meaning of loss will not matter. For the formless-ness will take over. With no where to go and nothing to lose.

I thought I’ll write something here but then realized I should be studying for my upcoming university exams.

But then I haven’t studied anything much and know that another few minutes of not studying would not harm. I mean even if it did, I do not care. But the problem is - it should bother me but it does not. So there seems to be a problem. And I can’t seem to comprehend any of it either ways.

Now after having put up this post, I realize how efficient I am at doing absolutely nothing.

Yayy me! :D

Most of my life I have been warned against not giving away too much of myself into a relationship. Those who know me well enough know that I love without any inhibition.
For me love knows no reservations, no reticence, and no self hugging consciousness.

I have been told that the hurt that remains after a failed relationship is not easy to live with. It keeps wriggling into every corner of your being and you just can’t throw it out. I have been cautiously led into the belief that things which I embrace so heedlessly might come back to haunt me later in my life.

I never believed any of this. People have called me naïve for doing so. For being the obstinate person that I usually am. They have smirked and walked away. Telling themselves that someday I’ll learn my lesson.

Yet I held on to the belief that love remains indifferent to circumstantial alterations or situational outcomes. If at all it gets stronger in the face of adversity. I know it is too idealistic a view but then that’s what I believe and live by.

But this was not always the case. I remember my days when I used to get mighty affected by what people had to say or think. I fell easy prey to their insecurity and their jealousy.

Yesterday talking to P, I realized how enormously different things are now. He was disturbed over something his friend had said about how each one of us should be prepared to accept failing in a relationship. And he got thinking as to what if indeed he failed. I helped him see reason then. And made him realize how it didn’t apply in our case but later on this got me thinking.

The enormous amount of negativity that people carry around these days is indeed catching. And more so with respect to love. And worse still is the way in which they pass on their own fears, their own bottled up insecurity, their inability to love to those who are truly happy in life. And when a person close to you comes up with something like this you are bound to be affected. You do stop to think for a moment that what if he indeed is right.

But yesterday as I was making P see reason I realized that all this fails to affect me now. After being misled so many times by people close to me I have eventually realized that what ultimately matters is you and the person you share the bond with. As long as you both are comfortable under the skin of your relationship, nothing else matters. Neither the fear of losing nor the fear of giving away too much of your own individual self. For the universe that was once yours - today is yours and his.

On his Birthday...

The time that my journey takes is long and the way of it long.

I came out on the chariot of the first gleam of light, and pursued my

voyage through the wildernesses of worlds leaving my track on many a star and planet.

It is the most distant course that comes nearest to thyself,

and that training is the most intricate which leads to the utter simplicity of a tune.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,

and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

My eyes strayed far and wide before I shut them and said `Here art thou!'

The question and the cry `Oh, where?' melt into tears of a thousand

streams and deluge the world with the flood of the assurance `I am!'

Gitanjali.

It's Tagore's birthday today. And had it not been because of googling through some course notes today morning, I would have missed my favorite poet's birthday.

I've loved the man through each one of my growing-up days. And continue to do so even today as I continue to grow...

Happy Birthday.
7th May.

My blog had been painted 'black' for so long that the colour seemed to permeate to other domains as well.
And I also needed some change. So I got myself a new haircut and a 'new-dressed' blog. :D

I'm happy as of now.

Tere Khat...

Hamesha main hi tumhe khat kyun likhoon.

Mera bhi mann hota hai ki main bhi kabhi tumhaare khatoin ka jawaab likhne baithoon...
Kuch roothi si kuch sochti hui main bhi der raat tak ek kalam aur ek kaagaz liye ghantoin baithe sochti rahoon. Aur jaise tum khidki pe baithe kabhi kabhi chaand ko takte rehte ho, theek usi tarah main bhi khidki se bahar kaali chaadar odhe us raat ko dekhti rahoon jo ab khatm hone ko hai...tab khatm hone ko hai...

Us din jab tumne hum dono ke saath hone ki wajeh zaroorat batayi thi...
Tab yaad hai kitni ladai ki thi maine. Aur tumne bhi use apni ek nadaani keh taal diya tha.
Shayad bhool gaye hoge tum.
Shayad tumhe yaad ho...
Aaj jab tumhaare baare mein sochti hoon toh lagta hai shayad tum sahi the.
Haan shayad woh tumhaari kehfiyat... mehej ek kehfiyat nahi thi.

Aaj jab tum saath nahi ho mere, aur sirf tumhaare kuch khat reh gaye hain mere paas...
Toh har ek khat mein bas kuch adoore se jawaab hi mile mujhe.
Kya har sawaal main hi kiya karti thi...
Shayad haan...dekhona aaj bhi main hi sawaal kar rahi hoon...

Mujhe pata hai aaj bhi aksar tum mere khat liye baith jaate hoge
Ghantoin unhe takte rehte hoge.
Agar kabhi tum wahaan kuch likho toh bata dena
Mere an-ginat kore pannoin mein shayad zindagi kuch gunguna de...

I am a woman.
I am the genesis of origin. I am the one who brings forth life.

I create. I am the beginning. The one who heralds life. I am that omen which speaks of the times to come. Within me emerges the desire - the form. I am the precursor of glory and also of gloom. I am the story. I am the start.

I am joy. I am pleasure. I am love and I am lust. I am worshipped and yet I sin. I am the change and I am also the one who thwarts. I am in prayers. I am in transgression. I am a lover’s pride and at times his scorn.

I am passion. I am beauty. I am in your art.
I am the desire - That which sometimes you hesitate to speak of.

I am the mother. I am the wife. I am torn into a thousand parts. And yet I stoop and pick you up.
And as I collect the scattered remains and gather each of them round my bosom, I fall another time. I die a million deaths.


On Women's Day, 8th March.

17th Feb...

And then I saw you in my life…

Into that part of me which belonged to me and no one else. Which was mine. And now is ours.

I don’t want a thing changed, not a single event repeated or redone. I want it this ways and nothing else will do. Because this is beautiful. And it belongs to us.

It rose from within us and has grown to encompass us, our world. Life with you has just begun…
But it seems as if this is how it always was…this is how it always will be…

Happy Anniversary to Us.
I love you.

Semi-Charmed Life...

Same time around last year, I was simply unable to keep myself away from typing too much of me in this blessed blog of mine. And here I am today unable to draw together enough matter to fill up between my yesterday and my today.

And to think of it I’m sure there needs to be a more worthy confluence of mind and matter to fill up this sequential gap. It’s true. You cannot create ripples without a stone but you can sure ask the wind to do the needful. That’s just how my life is. Everything seems to have found a certain corner for itself. Each having been assigned a purposeful task of it’s own without being overtly dependent on the ‘stone’.

There is momentary purpose. Yes, there is. But then somewhere down the line I can see it merging with a steady state of prolonged hope. And that is distracting - to not know of the Uncertain.

This Hope somehow disturbs my symmetry. It makes me look for feasible options. And I can’t stick to my pre-determined state.
But to mould this Hope accordingly is to give life my own distinctive meaning. There are no imprecise connections and there are no ornamental ideologies. It’s simple. And it’s straight.

There is a quiet relief in the way things are right now. But to think of today as my tomorrow is again discomforting. And the way ahead is a blur. Like always.

But then today is much more fascinating than yesterday. There is love, there is life and there is so much escalation. And this is more comforting than anything else. To shed the regrets and to let things and days pick up on their own accord is my way now.

Tomorrow shall come too. And it too shall blend with my now. What I shall see at the end is a kind of continuity. And God-willing that too shall be well etched…

Encompassing life and undeniably much more…