What's the point?

So for the last few months, I've had a rough time professionally. I had been interviewing with this really big-shot company. It went on for almost three months. I was always clearing all the successive rounds and clutching on a little tighter each time to the hope that I would get the job. All of a sudden, this job was the only thing I wanted in life. Like really really bad.

And as life/luck/randomness would have it, they did not choose me. In fact, they never gave me a clear yes/no and technically I'm still waiting for their feedback. Wait, I'm not. Am I ? Any-who!

So there was a lot of frustration, anger and helplessness. It's so weird - I wasn't even looking for a job when this came my way and ever since this incident I just cannot get to appreciate my current job anymore. I know it's stupid. It's like life is perfect, it's all lalala..and then BAM! And thereafter, it's just not the same anymore. I know I am unnecessarily fretting over it. It was never meant to be. However, one thing that I have been asking myself ever since is that what was the point of it all? I mean three months of immense stress, immense hope and intermittent successes - only to be all wiped off!

And then today I was watching this movie about a young woman who finds (true) love at the age of 19. She falls head over heels in love with this guy only to be loved back as much. Her entire life changes, they get married and settle blissfully into a happy life. All is perfect with the world when suddenly out of the blue, the guy dies. Yes, dies!

So obviously this woman is all heart broken. One day she breaks down before her mum and laments that what was the point of it all. How could life be so terribly unfair to her? If the guy had to die so soon anyway, what was THE POINT OF IT all??

Now, this really struck me. Wasn't I trying to reason with myself exactly the same thing? Well, accept it or not, life is unfair. And not just at times! Everything is just so random.

I decided I'm not going to lament over this episode anymore. Bigger tragedies strike people. And sometimes all too randomly, without them having to do anything at all to trigger it in the first place. You cannot always have everything planned AND executed. Sometimes the string snaps in between.

If you have ever faced a similar WHATS-THE-POINT incident, just let go. It did not work out because it was never meant to.

Move on. Move strong.

आज एहसास हुआ की बालकनी में रखे पौधें, मर चुके हैं.

बड़े अरमानों से लाएं गए थे।
खैर, फिर कभी अफ़सोस करेंगे.
अभी फुर्सत कहान. 

I’m already beginning to fall in love with my new home.

I had a friend who always insisted that it’s important never to stay in one place for too long. Leave before your roots tie you down to the place and rip off your wings. Though I found it too flamboyant then, I decided to be cautious.

Hence, from the moment I stepped into this house, I promised myself I would not let it grow over me. I would not give away too much of myself, just enough to make it livable  I was trying to be calculative. But the person I am would just not let it be so. No matter how much I compel myself to not love something, the more head over heels I fall for it. And so seems to be the case with this place too.

I already have like a million ideas in my head about doing up this little home. All the colors blend in perfectly inside my head. I know exactly where everything would go. It’s like I can already see it in my head - how my home would look once I’m done with it. And I’m so proud of myself for making all this happen.

I don’t care if I have to die a million deaths when I finally have to leave this place. What’s more important is that it’s my home and it’s just the way I have always wanted it to be. I believe in living life completely. Treading too carefully takes away the thrill and the fun of life.

What’s the point if you don’t give away a little of yourself to the moments which sum up life? What’s the point if you don’t feel the pain of love? I think it’s alright to be tied down to your loved ones. Because how long can a lonely flight hold you up? The wings would eventually tire out.

“Human nature will not flourish, any more than a potato, if it be planted and replanted, for too long a series of generations, in the same worn-out soil. My children have had other birthplaces, and, so far as their fortunes may be within my control, shall strike their roots into unaccustomed earth.” 

― Nathaniel Hawthorne

# On moving to a new place with a new job.

 " Aisa kahan se laoon ke tujh sa kahein jise "

- Ghalib

One Day

I watched a movie to my liking after a long time yesterday. “One day” tells the story of two people – Emma and Dexter. The movie walks us through twenty years of their lives post university graduation but shows only one particular day from each of those twenty years.

To be honest, the story is very regular. It’s the same-old two very different people struggling to find themselves and their love for each other kind of story. Just as they grow and drift away from who they were from where the story takes off, their bond too weakens and strengthens. I am not going to review the movie. It may not be a brilliant movie but there are several things that I’d like to take away from this movie for my keeps. And this post is just about that.

What struck me most about the movie was how real to life it was. The movie brilliantly portrays the mediocrity gap which separates so many of us from our lofty, ambitious and sometimes unattainable dreams. The way confidence wanes away when things are not happening, the way you cannot hide your utter dismay at doing things you never wanted to, the way you create a make-believe world to lie to yourself, the way life sometimes just refuses to work out – all of this has been brilliantly captured through Emma’s character as she struggles to make a living in her initial days and then settles for a life with a man she is not in love with.

Another thing that I really liked was the way the movie tracks a dwindling and yet passionate friendship between the two. This time it really isn’t just about the love between a boy and a girl. It’s about a relationship, which could be just any relationship, and how it’s so precious and yet rusting away. In one of their meetings after three years, Emma tells Dexter, “I love you, Dex, so much. I just don't like you anymore. I'm sorry.” This is something I would like to tell so many, just so many people in my own life. This line somehow beautifully summarizes what most relationships in life eventually turn out to be. It’s true. With time, we find it difficult to accept that our old people have changed, whether for good or for bad, whether for real or for not. If they somehow don’t suit our preferences, are not compatible with the decisions we’ve made in life, they stick out like an incorrect piece in a puzzle. We love them fiercely, well at least in my case I do, but we can’t somehow stand them for who they are today. And isn’t that what real life is like?

Real life is not pretty all the time. Often it’s creepy and oftener it’s embarrassingly true. We’d like to believe that everything works out at the end, yet sometimes for some life may not work out, even till the end. Yet, call it optimism or helplessness, we find beauty even in the morsels left behind by life. And almost always, we find a way.

"What an unreliable thing is time - when I want it to fly, the hours stick to me like glue. And what a changeable thing, too. Time is the twine to tie our lives into parcels of years and months. Or a rubber band stretched to suit our fancy. Time can be the pretty ribbon in a little girl's hair. Or the lines in your face, stealing your youthful colour and your hair. ...But in the end, time is a noose around the neck, strangling slowly."

- Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

  इस  जद्दों-जहद से दूर कोई और भी तो ठीकाना होगा. 

I've got my eyes shut really tight. And I'm hoping hard.

There's a bridge from here to where you stand.
I do not know if it exists for you too. All I know is that you will always remain on the other side. There and yet not there.
And me on this side. Here and yet not here.

I will never forget the night when all the ideas regarding love converged into a form which is so much easier to live with. Now there are no rigid lines. No divisions. I can love you. And you can not. Or you can. And it's all fine.

If someday you see me on the other side of your bridge, do take a step forward. As I said, there are no rules in this game. It's only life. And everything's fair here.