Latent Space

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
I think I made you up inside my head"

I finished Plath's The Bell Jar yesterday. It was not an easy read. I had been hearing about this book for so long now that I decided to just get done with it. I will never come back to this book.

The Bell Jar frightens me because it is about a young girl's descent into clinical depression, her days spent in asylums and the continuous fight to break out of The Bell Jar - an amazing metaphor for entrapment. It frightens me because I thought I would never be able to get inside the head of a person dealing with depression. I have never been through anything like this. I have always been a very optimistic person and a strong believer in the goodness that will eventually replace any speck of trouble that I might be having at that point in time. For me, things will always get better. They have to. I am always very hopeful. Why then of all people do I relate to this mad girl? This girl whose reasons for her scary descent into madness is all too believable.

The thin line between the life where everything is fine and the life which is slowly slipping away into an abyss where you no longer possess the faculties to see clearly into reasoning was at first very startling to me. Of course, the hints were there right from the beginning. However, what scares me is that you do not always need something catastrophic to strike you. Your current self might just betray you any day and you might yourself become this crazy girl who is afraid of mediocrity, of a life not worthy enough - a girl, who constantly questions her own self; someone who is forever displeased in her own self; someone who is begging approval of herself from her own self. All this might sound too looped up. For me however, there is absolute clarity regarding these things. I understand.

I might not have ever gone through depression but I have often questioned myself like Esther. I have very often lost confidence in myself and dismissed myself too quickly. This book jolts me up and reminds me to be kinder to myself. The book in its own way shows me an alternate mirror and the reflection there is absolutely horrifying. It is extremely important to love yourself and more important to accept yourself. Because in this acceptance lies the lens through which we will see the rest of the world. I promise to never tint this lens with hopelessness or unkindness and to always protect it.