By a busy road...

If you stood by a busy road with hands dug deep into your pockets, you would see the world whiz past you. Fast. Very fast.

The motion might even seem intimidating for its comprehension may not seem plausible. You might want to see how it feels like to be on the other side of the road but the relocation again will be a much hindered one, if at all. Undertaking the risk might also not seem to be a very receptive option. And you stay back. Just where you were. Looking at the world whiz past you. Fast. Very fast.

If you tried reasoning out as to why you can’t help but wait for the world to slow down, you would find yourself in an uncertain state mostly with no answers. And if you managed to seek the answers somehow, they wouldn’t be definite.

You’ll be told- “that’s how things are…that’s how they always have been…”

And ironically you have the freedom to choose to either accept this established proposition or reject it. More often than not established propositions are further strengthened by our meek acceptance for defiance though attractive is not a very easy-treaded path.

If you stood by a busy road you would also want to know where everything is headed to and why this urgency to reach there as soon as possible. And if you on the contrary do not know where you are headed it might bother you. The botheration might consume you day after day, month after month, year after year till it makes you hollow. A scary state of affairs.

But if you stood by a busy road you would also notice that this is not where you were destined to be. You are just on your way to get to some place. Anywhere. And this is not your settled position. This is not what you have been waiting for, where you’ve wanted to be. You’re still on your way. The journey is not yet over and maybe the time has not yet come…

Lost...

I’ve been rummaging around for a while now. I’ve lost something. And astoundingly, this new-found Absence is benign enough to calm me and wholly fill me up with serenity.

Losses manifest into answers, similar to the manifestation of sufferings into wisdom. Wisdom brings in tact. And tact is the weapon to prevent the next loss.

It’s all about that little loop. Its intransience brings in faith.

Faith restores the yearning to live again. To win and lose. And lose some more to finally win. Continuity is all it needs. As innate as it may seem, it’s the most implausibly achieved attribute.

As long as the loss paves the way for a sufferance which rekindles tolerance, rummaging seems worthwhile.

So, I’ve been rummaging around for a while now…

Reply

Dear R,

It’s startling how someone tip-toes into your life and then makes a thundering departure. And yet you simply cannot fathom the reason for it all. You ask yourself if this is the end, you wait for something to turn up, in any form, in any way, something, anything…

You wonder if this was the pre-assigned termination to what seemed like an eternity.

You look back at all that had been and is no more. You feel the emptiness within; you find something stark about the entire set-up. You blame, you curse, you try to hate, and you undergo anger, frustration. Everything eventually fades away making way for your present, for your today, which looks back accusingly at your past.

Perhaps, what remains behind is a loss which only time can take care of.

They say to open the door ahead you have to close the one behind.

No matter how new the New may seem; no matter how familiar the Old may be. You ought to accept the conclusions.

You can live as a zombie for a day or two. You can cry into your pillow for a night or two. You can not really feel good about yourself for a while. You can ask everyone to get lost. You can…

But one fine morning, you will wake up, smile to that old fact, and gain normalcy just as miraculously as you had gone insane…

So just hold on.

Love,

M

[This is for you R. Your call really startled me. And a lill bit of it is for me as well.]

Discontentment galore...

Economics tells me man always wants more. I couldn’t agree less. I guess the most natural human behavior is to be discontented in every walk of life. Take me for instance; I am unhappy with every possible thing around me. Actually ‘unhappy’ could be replaced by a smooth ‘dissatisfaction’.

There’s dissatisfaction with what I do, where I go, who I interact with, the people I live with, the people I love, those who I hate…blah, blah, blah…everything seems to be topsy-turvy, everything seems to be ‘not fine’.

There’s this discontentment chained to my views, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my convictions, my promises…making me weak, hollow…small.

If the discontentment could have been restricted to my higher self only, it would have mattered less. But even the usual regular affairs seem to be imperfect.

So when my room-mate asks me if I feel lonely without a steady boyfriend, I foolishly grin and say ‘not at all’. How preposterous of her to even ask a question like that. Or when another friend intellectually remarks that,”you don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to discover happiness; it lies within”…Oh yes, sir! It certainly does.

Or when every morning I lazily pull on my old jeans and try compensating it with a new T-shirt, there is dissatisfaction even in this meager action of mine…Nothing seems good, nothing seems perfect…oh yes, quite obviously I miss my metro and have to take the one which brings me to my class a good 10 minutes late…this time my Professor is dissatisfied…

The ridicules that life has till date offered me, my destiny is dissatisfied even with that…

If I was to deeply analyze, I have this feeling that I most probably will happen to ascertain that I’m actually not satisfied with my own self. Maybe not satisfied with what I have made myself into today. Maybe not satisfied with the decisions I have taken. Maybe not convinced about the fact that I’ll some day undo my mistakes. Or maybe, have been too lazy to pull myself up to actually do my job, the one assigned to me.

A sad life it is…actually no, a discontented one…

Boohooo…. :(

Diary

Life's been really strange for the last two years. The path along which life moved was not just unwanted but also better if avoided.

The continuous progression into time however, seems to have dislocated me ever since. And I'm still trying to put myself back on "the track".

These freaking two years were the worst.....turning everything upside down. The memories of my high-school days, somehow force me to drag up the unpleasant events and consequences.

Last two years in school were living hell. Nothing seemed to be right. Frequent troubles at school coupled with nasty confrontations at home totally drained me. And with my tendency to yield to difficult situations in life (in just the wrong way), made me withdraw from my friends and family in totality.

So much so that I completely gave up on dancing. Dancing- something that had engrossed me all my childhood.

Every attempt by mom and dad to put an end to my stretched nuances were met by an even more rebellious
outbreak of mine.I hated myself for it. Yet, it wasn't enough to help me get a grip on myself!

Today when i look back and try to analyze, I feel stupid about myself.

I gave up on my closest people for something so volatile, for something so unreal, for something which was never meant to be, for something I can never even imagine to stretch out my hands and touch, for something which snapped......just like that!!!
......Leaving me in the nothingness of nothing....

Time passed by, with or without guilt....

I was ready to embark on an all new venture in life when something so nasty gripped me, I couldn't help but end up being consumed by it.

The retardation that had crept into my being, began to spread all over...even around me. A dislike for almost everything was born out of sheer disgust of absolutely nothing.Call it my idiosyncrasy...or call it whatever...even I knew i was making no sense....

All this culminated into something I dreaded...something I feared.Yes, my fear finally took 'the form'.

And today that is all I am left with. Its like trying to revive that sand-castle just washed away by the sea.....