She...

And so she walks beneath the evening sky
Her lumbering gait-
Her vanity imbibed.

She moves with a flicker
Like the evanescent time
With eyes that soak in ages of pride.

She says not a word
Not a soul does she find
She looks no more for a world in her stride.

Not a door to knock
Nor a path to return
She looks for a key, that wouldn’t unlock.

And so she walks beneath the evening sky
Her sinister world
With that dwindling hope entwined.

Diary

Life's been really strange for the last two years. The path along which life moved was not just unwanted but also better if avoided.

The continuous progression into time however, seems to have dislocated me ever since. And I'm still trying to put myself back on "the track".

These freaking two years were the worst.....turning everything upside down. The memories of my high-school days, somehow force me to drag up the unpleasant events and consequences.

Last two years in school were living hell. Nothing seemed to be right. Frequent troubles at school coupled with nasty confrontations at home totally drained me. And with my tendency to yield to difficult situations in life (in just the wrong way), made me withdraw from my friends and family in totality.

So much so that I completely gave up on dancing. Dancing- something that had engrossed me all my childhood.

Every attempt by mom and dad to put an end to my stretched nuances were met by an even more rebellious
outbreak of mine.I hated myself for it. Yet, it wasn't enough to help me get a grip on myself!

Today when i look back and try to analyze, I feel stupid about myself.

I gave up on my closest people for something so volatile, for something so unreal, for something which was never meant to be, for something I can never even imagine to stretch out my hands and touch, for something which snapped......just like that!!!
......Leaving me in the nothingness of nothing....

Time passed by, with or without guilt....

I was ready to embark on an all new venture in life when something so nasty gripped me, I couldn't help but end up being consumed by it.

The retardation that had crept into my being, began to spread all over...even around me. A dislike for almost everything was born out of sheer disgust of absolutely nothing.Call it my idiosyncrasy...or call it whatever...even I knew i was making no sense....

All this culminated into something I dreaded...something I feared.Yes, my fear finally took 'the form'.

And today that is all I am left with. Its like trying to revive that sand-castle just washed away by the sea.....

Bounded Freedom

What does it mean to live life on your own terms, what does it mean to be free?
When the congestions and constrictions cease to exist, how does it feel?

It certainly isnt flamboyant or flashy! Is it pallid then? As you become aware of and percieve your state, will you call it contentment? With no restraints to despise, you cant really call yourself alive! For what fun is it, what kind of life is it if you arent living on the edge?

You wont let your backbone crumble for you are adamantly convinced.The fortitude within tells you that you're right even when the world laughs at your resoluteness and calls you a fool!

The reasonings are illogical and haphazard.And they are better that ways. Clearity is intimidating and tangled identities are today true.

The disarrayed wants push you to dangerous permeable boundaries. Yet the impassable trait breathing in you holds you back.....you are not free!

The encroaching limits turn scary. Even the most resolute soul dwindles and meanders. It deviates. It does what it never wanted to do.

And is left with just one question...."What does it mean to be free?"

Rishtey toh nahi rishto ki parchaiyaan mile

Yeh kaisi bheed hai bas yehaan tanhaiyaan mile.

So it finally happens..

*End of the potter saga.After literally growing up with this wizard its hard to believe that there wont be a "next book" again.Though I'm reluctant to acknowledge this but the last book did kinda disappoint me.
Will miss you potter !!

*I'm finally living away from home.Though its too early to comment on my solitary state I'm waiting for the weekend.To return home obviously.

*I'm in college.Yes, finally in college.

*I've managed to put that black enamel on my nails and they look awesome.Yup !! the punk me.

*I now have to dial so many numbers(STD call) to talk to the person I literally lived, dreamt and aspired with.Missing you buddy.

*And I still am not happy with the word 'KID' !!!

And this is a crappy post.Sorry for making you read all this.

Talaash...

Na khwaaboin ki
Na hakikat ki

Na pyaar ki
Na uske na hone ke ehsaas ki

Na saath ki
Na tanhaaiyon ki

Na unke saath
Na unke bina

Na chaand ki
Na is zameen ki

Na us nile gagan ki
Na andhere baadalon ki

Intezaar mera inke pare hain
Talaash mujhe kisi aur ki.

I was on my way from Delhi to Kolkata.A long and lonely train journey.

With just a copy of India Today for company, I knew I was in for a seriously boring journey.I looked at the passengers around me.They looked even more boring than that article in the magazine about why some Pratibha Patil should not be our next president.If I was asked for my opinion I'd say we need no president but sadly enough my opinion never counts....
There was another interesting article (uhmm...I'm not exactly sure of this adjective here) about Mayawati.They called her 'poor little rich girl'....This set me giggling.
But this post is not about India Today articles.

It was a rainy afternoon and I wasnt feeling particularly good inside.My Delhi trip hadn't really worked out the way I wanted it to.Well, not that I was expecting it to but was hoping nevertheless.But as usual there were no miracles waiting to happen for me.And I had pretty much figured out what exactly awaited me back home in Kolkata.I won't get into the details now.Maybe later.....Or may be never.

I'm not sure if this is how everyone feels when dejection sets in but I was feeling particularly very lonely and uncanningly scared.I wanted to call someone close and just let all the heaviness chained inside me out.But I didn't.Not because I was spoilt with options but because I din't want a "common...it'll be fine" or "hey...you'll do great anywhere".....for a reply.Infact I didn't want a reply at all.
I needed no assurances.The numbness somehow seemed familiar.I drew the curtains, cutting myself off from this world.Or atleast pretending to....

Lots of questions were looming in my mind which remain unanswered even today.Some doubts which will never be settled.Some choices which will always remind me of my poor discretion.Some people who I cared about unnecessarily....who mattered.
When faith leads you to a misinterpreted belief...things are bound to crumble.And tightening your fist only worsens the situation.The validity of which reflected in my case.

Agreed I can start anew and assumingly I will....
Though I wonder if the 'twenty-something' me will smile at the 'me' today.Or will she.....

I'll let the moments, days, months, years pass......till then...

Rajdhani sped past the green fields.I closed my eyes.Sleeping was the only acceptable option.

I do not have an attitude problem.
You've got a perception problem.

;)

(I love this.I love this!!!!)

The ethereal universe around me is consuming me.I do not want to stretch out my hands and ask for help.Instead today I want to be engulfed.Corroded by time and etched by the acidic phases,I refuse to break down.The hollowness within cant defeat me.

I want to stand up and look into the eyes of that Power which claims to reign my destiny and fate.No I'm not sorry for anything.My words were mine.My deeds,my own.I'm ready to walk alone.

Don't try comprehending me.You'll not succeed.You ground me to my origin as you inweave me with your beliefs and convictions.Don't do that.For I might try to defend myself.The defence may in all probability shatter you for it wouldn't be an inherited trait.It would be mine.

I'm irrevocable.Why expect a transition from me?Why bring me to the shore and expect a gratitude?Why pardon me whem I'm not submissive?I do not need your doctrines.I need not be preached.Why impose your fears and draconian inquisitions upon me?Why inject in me the helplessness I see in your eyes?
Why not just leave me alone.....

And if you cant,I'm sorry but you do not have a say here.
IT'S MY LIFE. AND YOU ARE NOT INVITED.

Ek Chaah

Ek koshish khud ko samajhne ki
Ek talaash,Ek prayaas,
Rooh main jhaank us anjaan chehre ko pehchaan ne ki,
Usse roo-ba-roo hone ki,
Use apnaane ki,
Ek chaah ab khud ko pehchaan ne ki.

Apne dharaatal se utth
Us aur ek haath badhaane ki,
Kal se door us kal ki aur badhne ki,
Navodit us umang ko pehchaan ne ki,
Khushi uske panapne ki,
Ek chaah ab khud ko chaahne ki.

Ek nayi shuruaat ko janm dene ki
Aaine main dekh muskuraane ki,
Khud se pyaar karne ki,
Khud ke kareeb aane ki,
Ek talaash,Ek prayaas,
Ek chaah ab ek nayi udaan bharne ki...